As much as we wish it weren’t so — with the world being all candy canes and gum drops, after all — people make judgements about each other based solely on appearance. No, really, it’s true!

Unfortunately, before the glory of the Internet, we had no way to access in an organized and helpful manner those brutally honest judgements, allowing us to live in a cozy cocoon of (mostly) blissful ignorance. 

Now there’s FaceStat.

FaceStat is like a focus group for your face, a way to understand the visceral impression the brand known as You ^TM makes on others. Marketers spend millions of dollars every day testing their products’ packaging and other visual attributes to determine what exactly attracts customers and drives purchasing decisions. Now you can do the very same thing for free!

Simply upload a photo of yourself, choose from a number of attributes that you would like people’s opinions on, such as age, intelligence, attractiveness and approachability, and within a few hours — viola! — your self-esteem is curled up in the fetal position on the floor, gasping for breath!

Allow me to demonstrate:

Just for giggles — because, you know, I really, really don’t care about this sort of thing — I uploaded this photo, which I use on this site’s About Me page:

Tell me, wise and just denizens of the Internet, what you think of this fellow. How old is he? What level of intelligence does he possess? Describe him in one word, if you would be so kind.

Here’s what the world (sigh…) thinks of me. Let’s start with a few of the one word descriptions:

“Goofy,” “poseur,” “slow,” and “gray.” Pretty darn accurate, I must admit, but the cruelest cut of all? “Clintonesque.” Ouch — I think…

How about intelligence? A small number chose “bright,” but three times as many clicked on either “dull” or “doofus.” Is it the hair? Or the heavy-lidded eyebrows? Hmmm…

As for age, most people accurately guessed somewhere in the range of 40 to 49 years (I’m 44); but there were enough guesses in the 50 to 59 range to give me pause, and enough in the 30 to 39 to give me hope — although I’m pretty sure those came from a nursing home somewhere.

Encouraging, yes?

Of course, I went back for more — this time with a secret weapon. 

As tempting as it was to find a photo from, say, 1987, I uploaded this one, taken just a few days after the first picture (that’s me on the right, by the way). Again, I asked:

Describe this guy in one word.

“Cool.” “Happy.” “Honest.” “Smart.” “Upstanding.” “Stallone.”

How intelligent, pray tell?

“Bright” and “Genius” outnumbered “Dull” by four-to-one.

Well, awright!

But, alas, it’s all too obvious, isn’t it? People see me standing next to that sweet and tasty eye candy and…well, just how idiotic and repulsive can he be, right? The dude has got it goin’ on.

The lovely woman in the picture is my wife, Christine, and she competes with a very hot blonde for my attention and adrenaline. I think I’ll ask her to be my vice presidential candidate. 

Hey, I ran it by the focus group.